Having shown him the first two movies back-to-back, I just bought this poster for my 5-year old son:
1985: Possibly the coolest year on planet earth.
If I keep thinking about Back to The Future this blog might have to drop the word ‘grumpy’ from it’s title.
ZS
Well, if you’re going to do childish pranks involving grafitti, this is definitely the way to go:
Dick house
An 18-year-old has secretly painted a 60ft drawing of a phallus on the roof of his parents’ £1million mansion in Berkshire. It was there for a year before his parents found out. They say he’ll have to scrub it off when he gets back from travelling.
Something tells me that there’s a suspicious blank area awaiting more ‘nob-related artistry’. Maybe he got too knackered from slapping out a 60-foot wanger and consequently ran out of white paint…
GZS
This I like, very much.
Sometimes I look at the words and phrases that people have put into search-engines to find my blog.
This one really made me highly Ungrumpy. So, whoever you are and wherever you are – thanks! Good luck in your ongoing search for ‘great big fat woman with tiny husband cartoons’. May the woman be great and big and fat; and may the husband indeed be tiny. And altogether cartoony.
GZS
What if Guy Ritchie, Director of east-end gangster movie ‘Snatch’, had directed Star Wars?
This, that’s what – you nonce!
WARNING: This contains almost every swear-word under the sun (or suns, depending on what fackin’ star system yer fackin cam from. Watch it, or I’ll cut yer Jedi Jacobs off!)
GZS
No Fucking Swearing
Some boffins have worked out that swearing like a navvy is actually good for you. Well, providing that you’re in some kind of pain:
Swearing ‘helps to reduce pain’
I suspect that this started out as another ‘waste of a fucking research grant’ which has turned into a ‘fucking interesting and potentially fucking useful fucking bit of Swearology’.
The bastard point that I’m fucking making is that there are loads of twatty fuckers and sad wankers out there who fucking well swear all of the cocking time, and use swear-fucking-words where other shitting words will do, in the merry-fucking middle of normal cunting sentences.
Like, fuck, yeh?
They’re not in pain. They might be standing at a bus-stop and reading the timetable (“Wot the fuck’s the fuckin’ time? When’s the next fuckin’ bus?“), asking a shopkeeper for change (“I need some ten-pees for da fackin phone fackin’ box, dun’ I.”) or the most prevalent of them all: the almost-literally-meaningless idiot-speak about nothing inparticular to be heard everywhere and anywhere: (“So I went to the, fuckin’ y’know, fuckin’ Mcdonalds an ordered a fuckin’ cheeseburger an’ the fuckin’ bitch gimme a fuckin’ normal fuckin’ burger, an’ I was like fuck, an” she was like ‘oh fuck’, so I said fuckin’ forget it an’ walked the fuck away. Fuck that. Fuckers. I mean, Fuck, yeah?”)
It’s really not worth my time to point out that these people are morons who aren’t and never will be self-aware enough to realise that they’ve fallen into a habitual way of speaking that is roughly comprised of 40% extraneous swear words, 40% conjunctive words and 15% nouns; leaving only 5% for the other words that create meaning.
The main thing here is that these people use these words outside their normal contexts: pain, frustration, anger, comic irony and other kinds of wordplay. For example, it’s a useful linguistic tactic to use swear words to highlight extreme situations – as exemplified by Gordon Ramsay. He’s the perfect example of a man who needs to swear to help failing restauranteurs wake up to the deep shit they’re in (but he’s become a habitual swearer in the process unfortunately). My point is that these people who swear throughout their everyday speech have no-where else to go when they actually are in pain or angry. They’re already at 9.9 on the ‘swearometer’ before they’ve even started!
I mean, what happens if one of these personalities slams their hand in the car door? “Oh fiddlesticks!” ? Don’t think so. It’s more likely to be “Ohhhh FUCK! FUCKING FUCKER! FUCK FUCK FUCK! BASTARD! FUCK! FUCKER!”, which is what you might expect, but it only amounts to a rise in volume and 3% more swear words than ‘normal’. So, to take it up a notch – what if they slam their hand in the door, the car starts rolling towards a bus-stop full of swearing kids and the poor guy drops the lit cigarette from his crushed hand onto the car seat and it catches fire? See..? There’s no where else to go, no more heights on Mount Swear to scale. Or, perhaps there is – it’s just that they haven’t been discovered yet. Maybe it’ll take a habitual swearer, pushed to the extreme, to unlock a whole new realm of Swearology. I don’t think the universe could take the resultant Swear-energy that would be released – it would probably create some new kind of radiation which punches a hole through the fabric of reality itself into a fifth dimension where swear-words fill the air like a sea of magical ether and Swear-wizards ride the waves by barking out a torrent of “fuck!” “shit!” “bastard!” etc. Probably.
There’s only one type of person who’s allowed to use swear words in everyday speech – a comedian who understands irony. If, like this man, you swear in the normal course of business you’ll soon realise that (punching holes in the fabric of reality aside) there is no place to go after you’ve used up a full arsenal of top swear words. Apart from extreme violence. Here he is – the mother-fucker Mike Strutter:
I say we should keep swear words for the proper occasions, otherwise they’ll lose all their power – and then what will we say the next time some inconsiderate bastard nicks your parking space? “Oh crumbs! What a blasted buffoon.”?
GZS
The fantastic and razor-sharp Marcus Brigstocke from Radio 4. Religion gets it right where it hurts. Come on, it’s what we’re all thinking…
GZS
